5 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. ² And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. ³ But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. ⁴ Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. Ephesians 5:1–4

We are wired to be in relationships. Marriage, family and friendships are all designed by God because He is a relational God. And God chose us to be in a relationship with Him for eternity. So it’s a big deal to Him when we do relationships the right way. And it’s a big deal to Him when we do relationships the wrong way.

But we aren’t perfect, and relationships are messy. And God knows that. The Bible is full of references and stories about imperfect, broken relationships. If God didn’t know relationships would be a struggle for us, He wouldn’t have given us so many stories and verses in the Bible instructing us on how to live them out.

The Bible says in James 4:1, “What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” And in the same chapter, verse 11 says, “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.” Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 17:14 warns, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” Titus 3:10 says, “ As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him.” And my personal favorite, Philippians 2:14: “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” 

There is a theme here. If you are the one causing the fights, stop. And if someone comes at you wanting to fight, walk away. Jesus was the perfect example of this. He never fought with His friends, nor did He fight with His adversaries—and He had plenty of opportunities to lose his cool. He was angry a few times. In Mark 11, Jesus came to the temple and was so upset at what He saw taking place that He made whips, overturned over tables and drove out the people who were using the Lord’s house to bargain and make money. He was so angry that He called it a “den of thieves.”  But just to be clear, anger is not a sin. It is an emotion. What we do with our anger determines whether or not we sin. Do we fight for what is right—or do we fight for what we want? 

When we fight and argue with our loved ones, we are engaging in unholy relationships. We act out of selfish ambition. Think of the last fight or argument you had with someone. What started it? Why did you engage? Right now, are you thinking, Because I was right. Because I wanted to win. Because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. She hurt my feelings. I felt betrayed.

What’s the common theme? I, my, me. My needs over the needs of the other person. But it’s okay to take up for myself. I deserve to be right. Do you really? Do you and I deserve anything? 

Jesus was always right, always perfect, never fought, never sinned. Instead, He was gentle, loving and willing to teach when He was probably so frustrated at us. He was quiet, not engaging in fights and quarrels. In His humility and selflessness, He died on a cross bearing the weight of all our fights and quarrels and every sin in the world—a sacrifice He didn’t deserve for a bunch of undeserving sinners. 

It may seem impossible to be in a holy relationship because we are so unholy and undeserving. And that’s somewhat true. No relationship will ever be perfectly holy. But there’s this thing called progressive sanctification, which means we’re not perfect yet. Through the grace of God and our obedience to His Word and His authority in our lives, we continue to grow. Gradually, we become more like Christ in everything we do. 

So how do we cultivate holy relationships? Let’s explore three ways. 

1. A God honoring, holy relationship requires the Holy Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit is also referred to in the Bible as our Helper, Advocate, Intercessor and Comforter. As Christians, the Holy Spirit lives in us. We can either let the Spirit lead in our relationships or we can suppress the Him by ignoring Him. Broken marriages often result from ignoring the Spirit and saying, “I’ve got this. I don’t need Your help, God.” 1 Thessalonians 5:19 says, “Do not quench the Spirit.” 

You might tell God, “I’ve got this.” But remember, God is Sovereign—you are not. He can do what He wants, when He wants and how He wants. He is always there, but are we listening to Him—or to Satan’s lies? If you are cheating in your marriage, you are quenching the Spirit. If you are having sex outside of marriage, you are quenching the Spirit. If you are scrolling social media or the internet and it is not God-honoring and it’s affecting your relationships, you are quenching the Spirit. If you are holding a grudge and cannot forgive, you are quenching the Spirit. 

2. Throw away your list of expectations. 

A relationship built on rules and expectations is a recipe for disaster. Yesterday, we talked about what it looked like to love as Christ loves us. Jesus made no lists and had no expectations other than “Follow Me.” He never said, “You can only follow Me if you do all these things first.” 

We often confuse expectations and desires.  An expectation puts pressure on the person you expect something from. A desire is simply something you hope for. It’s okay to desire something from someone, but when that desire becomes an expectation, bitterness and resentment can start to set in. Soon, your loved one feels the weight of that pressure you are putting on them. 

For example, I desire for my kids to keep their rooms clean. But it quickly became an unhealthy expectation of mine, especially with my daughter Reagan. A couple of years ago, I was angry and frustrated every time I walked past her messy room. I finally had to let go of that expectation because it became a hindrance in our relationship. She doesn’t care about a messy room—it doesn’t bother at all. In fact, I think she prefers it that way. It wasn’t fair for me to put that expectation on her when she is wired differently than I am. Now, I still desire her to keep her room clean, but the pressure isn’t on her. I do have healthy expectations, like not leaving food out for the dogs to get into. And when she does clean—even just a few times a year—it brings me great joy. The rest of the time—the other 360 days of the year—I’ve learned to close the door and walk away. 

What expectations do you place on your loved ones? Whether big or small, expectations can drive a huge wedge in a relationship. If something has been a point of contention for a while, sit down and talk about it. A good way to start is: “I know I’ve been putting unfair expectations on you about (fill in the blank), and I’m sorry. My desire is (fill in the blank). But that’s on me, not on you.”

3. Celebrate the mountains but don’t ignore the valleys. 

We get so caught up in our own lives that we don’t realize how far into a ditch we’ve slipped with our loved ones. We go through the motions day after day and forget simple acts of love—like picking up the phone or greeting each other with a hug or a kiss when we walk through the front door. My dogs never get this wrong. They greet me 22 times a day as if they haven’t seen me in a year! If only I modeled that joy when my kids or my husband walk in. 

I few years ago, (Pastor) Joby and I slipped into this “going through the motions” spiral in our relationship. One day he said to me “G, I just want you to look up and acknowledge me when I walk through the door. That’s all.” GUT PUNCH. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. He was expressing a desire that I was not fulfilling, simply because I wasn’t aware. 

Stay alert and recognize when you are in a valley. Don’t just sit in it and hope it’ll get better. Walk through it with your loved one, and commit to coming out of it together—not further apart. And when you are on the mountain and things are great, don’t ignore that either. Celebrate it. Don’t take it for granted. Walk through the mountains together, arm in arm, ready to face whatever valley lies ahead.  

Heavenly Father, I pray that every woman will see this as an opportunity to search within her relationships. May she will lean on and listen to the Holy Spirit, tear up her lists of expectations, recognize the good times and work through the hard times. God, draw us closer to You because we need You at the center of our marriages, families and friendships. Thank You for loving us even in our messes and our failures. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.