Key Scripture:

Ecclesiastes 3:7b – “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”

Devotional:

Words are powerful. By His word, God spoke the universe into existence. While our words may not have the power to create an actual universe, Proverbs tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Our words have the power to facilitate the flourishing of our spouse or to incapacitate growth.

According to a survey conducted by the author Shaunti Feldhahn, three out of four men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. Why? If he feels disrespected, he feels unloved. If we want to love our husband in the way he needs to be loved, then we need to ensure that he feels our respect most of all. Wives, most of us do respect our husband, so it is easy for us to think we have this command covered. Frequently, the challenge is our words (or lack of them) may convey the opposite.

How do I know? Because I do it all the time! For a man, today’s version of “dragging home the buffalo” isn’t just meeting the minimum bills. It is about making his wife happy by providing her with the things she wants and meeting her desires. When I make what I consider an observation like, “The rug is still stained,” he hears, “You’re not providing enough.” No matter how much I reassure him that is not what I meant, it is what my words convey. When he cleans up after dinner, but I come behind to “help” and move the pan he placed in the cabinet into the drawer instead, he hears, “You don’t measure up” and I didn’t say a word.

Husbands, while you are more likely to be geared to act on things, your wives are more likely to talk about things. When she shares, her feelings and her desire to be heard often outweigh the specific topic at hand. While your instinct is to “fix,” her initial need is to be validated. When you skip the step of validation by jumping to advice, you may inadvertently communicate a message that triggers her core question, “Am I loveable?” One of the ways you communicate that she is loved by you is through listening to understand why she is sharing before speaking to guide her on how to rectify the situation.

My husband is brilliant and gives incredible advice. However, when he responds to my emotional statements with directions on what to do in order to not feel that way, I hear, “That’s ridiculous” and internalize, “You’re ridiculous.” When my thoughts are like a busy computer with multiple screens open all at once and they spill out at random times, the words with which he does or doesn’t respond have the ability to communicate that I am a blessing or a burden. I know my husband loves me, and yet I continue to ask, “Would he choose me again?”

As husbands and wives, knowing when to speak and when to listen is a delicate dance. There are seasons where we move in step with one another and others where we step all over one another’s toes. When Paul writes for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, God knew our words would be instrumental in how those two feelings would be communicated.

Communication is a means of knowing, of knowing when to speak and when to listen. It is knowing what our spouse needs to hear most from us in the season we find ourselves in. To be fully known and fully loved anyway is one of the sweetest gifts we can give to our spouse in marriage.

May we choose to use our words, spoken and unspoken, to be a source of life and encouragement. May we seek to understand before being understood. May we verbally praise our spouse, and when we communicate a message we didn’t mean, acknowledge it and ask for forgiveness. May our words build up our spouse according to their needs and let our silence comfort and reassure. May what comes from our mouth proceed from a heart rooted in Christ.

Deepening questions:

•  In what ways have you seen words bring death and life in your marriage?
• Do you find yourself listening to understand or to be understood?
•  How do you tend to use words? Are you a person of few words or many? Is it easier for you to compliment or offer critique? (Both can be useful and both can be abused.)
• Where do you see opportunities to bring life, to facilitate flourishing, in your marriage? With God’s help, what will you do about it today?

Further reading:
Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 16:27, James 3:7-10, Ephesians 4:31-32, Ephesians 5:33, Proverbs 15:23, Luke 6:45